Teaching empathy: games, books, and activities for preschoolers

Empathy and kindness can feel like characteristics people either naturally have—or don’t 🙃 But research shows you can help your child recognize how other people think and feel so they learn to respond in more compassionate ways. 

When do children learn empathy?

Empathy, or understanding and sharing someone else’s emotions, develops gradually in early childhood. Even babies and young toddlers may share someone else’s emotions without understanding them. For example, they might cry if someone else is crying. This is known in child development circles as “affective empathy.”

In toddlerhood, children may show concern for someone else and want to help. But perspective-taking, the root of “cognitive empathy,” takes years to fully develop. By around age 4, many children have the theory of mind to begin understanding that people can know, believe, and feel different things even in the same situation. Now they can try to put themselves in another person’s shoes and more genuinely empathize—at least some of the time 😉

How to help your 4-year-old build and and act on empathy

Even when your child knows how someone else feels, they may not act on it in the way you’d hoped. They’ll need your support to continue practicing this skill.

Practice perspective-taking and problem-solving through play

Considering how someone else thinks or feels is more difficult for your child when they’re tired, overwhelmed, off their typical routine, or simply outside of the home. Play dates and public excursions are good opportunities to model empathy but playtime at home with you is the best place for your toddler to practice.

Invite your child to play pretend

Dollhouse figurines and stuffed animals can be excellent tools for practicing social problem-solving skills. After a few minutes of playing together, suggest a social dilemma: “Oh no! The big sister and the baby want to go down the slide at the same time. What will they do?” Let your child come up with ideas or model options if they are reluctant: “Hmmm. Maybe the big sister could go first this time. Do you think the baby might be sad? The big sister could say, ‘Baby, you can go right after me! And next time you get to go first.’”

Play role-playing games

In the Show, Tell & Think Empathy Game, you and your child take turns acting out scenarios, telling stories about emotions, and talking through tricky social situations. For example, how can you respond if your friend usually shares with you, but today they didn’t? What if you’re served food you don’t like at a friend’s house? Playing this game together can help your child make connections between their feelings and their actions.

See inside The Examiner Play Kit

The Examiner Play Kit (4-year olds)

Stimulate your child’s curiosity and investigation with toys from The Examiner Play Kit.

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Expose your child to a variety of experiences and points of view

Research shows that reading books about other people’s experiences may increase feelings of empathy. For example, “The Appropriate Game” can help your child see that families have different values and ways of doing things. Talk about the similarities and differences between your family and the family in the story. This can help your child begin to understand why their friends sometimes act differently or have different expectations than they do. 

Model empathy, especially when your child doesn’t show it

It can be frustrating and even embarrassing when your child doesn’t show empathy, especially when they’ve hurt another child. In these challenging situations, you can model empathy in two ways:

Show empathy for the other person

Check in with the other child and offer help. “That was a big fall. Are you okay? Do you feel scared? Does your body hurt?” Your child will see how you respond and may pick up on ways to show empathy in the future. 

Show empathy for your child

Acknowledge your child’s perspective and ask them to share their feelings. “Wow, that was a big push. What is making you feel so frustrated right now? Can you tell me about it?” Rephrase what your child says. “I totally get that. You did not want Beni to play with that tractor. That tractor is really special to you.”

Once your child feels seen and understood, they may be ready to turn their attention to others. You might say, “It’s okay to protect your tractor, but that push really hurt Beni. I don’t think that’s what you wanted to happen. How could we help her feel better?” 

Learn more about the research

Peterson, J. B., Oatley, K., & Mar, R. A. (2009). Exploring the link between reading fiction and empathy: Ruling out individual differences and examining outcomes. Communications, 34(4), 407-428.

Spinrad, T. L., & Gal, D. E. (2018). Fostering prosocial behavior and empathy in young children. Current opinion in psychology, 20, 40-44.