Fears and anxieties are a natural part of childhood, and it’s common for young children to experience them at some point. Some fears—like fear of the dark or monsters under the bed—may seem irrational, but they can be very real and distressing for your child. Both fear and anxiety can be challenging for children to cope with, but with your guidance and support, they can learn to manage these emotions in healthy ways.

In this article:

• Fear versus anxiety
• Childhood anxiety
• Separation anxiety
• Stranger anxiety
• Childhood fears
• Shifts in fear and anxiety

Fear versus anxiety

Fear and anxiety can feel very similar, but they have a subtle difference. Fear is a natural response to something that seems like a specific, immediate threat—like a big dog or loud clap of thunder. Anxiety is a more general feeling of unease or worry that can be triggered by a variety of factors. For example, your child may feel anxious about the possibility that they or a loved one could suffer an illness or accident.

Childhood anxiety

All people experience some level of anxiety. It can be a useful emotion when there’s a potential threat. But children often experience it simply because they don’t have much experience in the world.

Anxiety in childhood often emerges during times of change. Young children feel safe and secure in familiar circumstances when they can predict what’s going to happen. This is why they thrive on schedules and routines. Any deviation from the predictable pattern—due to a vacation, a move to a new residence, the extended absence of a parent, or a major illness, for example—can leave a young child feeling anxious.

To learn how to manage anxiety, your child relies on guidance from you and other caregivers. Two of the most common types in childhood are separation and stranger anxiety.

Separation anxiety

Between 6 and 8 months of age, many babies start to understand that people and objects continue to exist even when they can’t be seen—a concept known as object permanence. This new knowledge, combined with a growing attachment to their primary caregivers, can lead to anxiety when you aren’t nearby.

Separation anxiety is likely to emerge again in toddlerhood as your child becomes more aware of their preferences and experiences new transitions, like moving from their crib to a bed or starting day care. It typically continues to ebb and flow throughout early childhood and may even extend into adolescence.

It can be very hard to leave your child when they cry and cling to you, even if you know their reaction is natural. The key is to give them tools to manage their feelings and build their trust that you will return—and that they will be safe until you do. Try these strategies to make separations easier on both of you.

Create a quick parting ritual. Sneaking out may seem like the least disruptive option, but to maintain your child’s trust, it’s important to say goodbye—even if you’ll only be gone briefly. Give them your full attention and tell them that you’re leaving. Smile reassuringly as you give them a kiss or hug. Explain when you’ll be back, and say, “I love you. Goodbye!” Then, head out the door.

Your child takes cues from you, so try to keep your goodbye ritual short, calm, and upbeat. Avoid lingering if they get upset—this will only prolong their distress.

Provide a positive distraction. Ask your child’s caregiver to redirect your child’s attention to a special activity. They can:

• Play with a particular toy that only comes out when you leave.
• Sing a song reserved exclusively for your departures.
• Look at a photo album with images of you and your baby together.
• Wave from the window as you go, then point to other interesting objects outside.
• Head out on a fun adventure, such as a walk to the park. Be sure to say your goodbyes and have them leave before you do.

Share joyful reunions. When you return, give your child lots of love and affection and tell them how happy you are to be back. Building a secure attachment can help ease separation anxiety over time. Eventually, your child will begin to trust that they’re safe with someone other than you—and that you always come back ❤️

Offer extra comfort at bedtime. Going to bed is a form of separation, so your child may protest when the time comes to do it. If you haven’t already, establish a regular bedtime routine for them. If they struggle with the separation, stay focused on their routine and try to spend extra time reading, singing, or cuddling with them to help ease the transition. Research suggests that young children tend to sleep better when parents are emotionally available and tuned in to their cues at bedtime. So, make lots of eye contact and, if your child seems uninterested, change the activity.

Once your child is more than a year old, it’s okay for them to take a lovey or other comfort object to bed. You can offer them a stuffed animal that’s about the size of your hand or something of yours, like a t-shirt. Introduce it during quiet, cuddling time—like when you’re reading books together—so your toddler starts to associate it with your presence.

Reinforce day care routines. If your child is just starting day care or switching to a new one, the transition may trigger separation anxiety. It may take four to six weeks for them to adjust to a new classroom culture and routine. In the meantime, try to help them see day care in a positive light.

Refer to their caregiver by name so your child remembers who they will see there. As you get ready for the day, drop little reminders to reinforce your child’s new routine, “We’re getting dressed so we can go to see [insert caregiver’s name]. What do you think you might do today—play with the trains or the blocks?”

Reuniting with your child after a separation can be just as filled with intense, unsettling emotions—for both of you. Try to establish a brief, affectionate ritual for both drop-off and pickup. The moment of reconnection—a hug, open arms, and loving words—can help establish feelings of safety and connection. Your child will eventually come to enjoy the consistency, so try to stay the course with confidence and empathy.

Stranger anxiety

At around 8 to 10 months of age, many babies develop stranger anxiety—a fear of unfamiliar people that can include friends, neighbors, and family members they don’t see regularly. Even a small change in the physical appearance of someone familiar—like a new beard or sunglasses—can trigger stranger anxiety.

Your baby may cry, fuss, turn their head away, or cling to you when they meet someone they don’t recognize. It’s easy to feel embarrassed or even responsible when your baby rejects someone you care about, but these kinds of behaviors are a sign of social-emotional growth, says Gabrielle Felman, senior child development expert at Lovevery. Your baby is beginning to recognize people they know and may be hesitant or wary of those they don’t.

Stranger anxiety won’t last forever—most children outgrow it by age 3. In the meantime, here are some tips to help:

Manage expectations. When possible, tell people ahead of time that your baby is going through a new stage of development and may need a little extra time before they’re ready to be approached. This can be tricky for grandparents and other family members your baby may have felt comfortable with in the past. Reassure them that your baby’s uncertainty is part of their growth and will pass ❤️

Keep welcomes low-key. You may be excited to see guests, but try to keep initial greetings calm so your baby feels safe. You might even suggest that visitors speak softly, move slowly, and limit eye contact with your baby.

Follow your baby’s lead. Let visitors know to wait for signs that your baby is comfortable with them before picking up or touching your baby. This could mean a smile, raised arms, or your baby initiating touch. Picking up a baby who is feeling anxious will likely make the situation worse, despite best intentions.

Validate your baby’s feelings. If your baby shows signs of stranger anxiety, try to remain calm and provide support and understanding. Avoid dismissing their fears or using “don’t” phrases, like “Don’t cry” and “Don’t be scared.” Instead, acknowledge that new people, situations, and routines can be uncomfortable: “You don’t know this person, and you feel nervous. That’s okay. They’re here to take care of you, and you’ll get to know them soon.”

Childhood fears

Between 6 and 18 months, your child may develop some unexpected new fears. They may suddenly start to cry when faced with experiences that didn’t bother them before, like:

• being in the dark
• hearing a loud noise, like thunder or a vacuum cleaner
• taking a bath 
• having their nails trimmed
• encountering a dog or other pet
• seeing a flushing toilet
• approaching an escalator

Try these techniques to help ease your child’s fear:

Prepare your child in advance. If you know you’ll be turning on the vacuum or going by the neighbor’s house with the barking dog, tell your toddler what’s going to happen beforehand. “We’re going to walk by Nicola’s house and Rufus may bark. It will be loud for a minute, but we’ll go quickly.” When you get through the tricky moment, point out to your toddler that they made it. “Wow, Rufus was loud today, but now it’s quiet again!”

Don’t pressure your child. It can be hard when your toddler starts to fear a familiar relative or friend. Be patient and respect your toddler’s feelings if they don’t want to be affectionate or interact with someone.

Validate their feelings. Instead of ignoring or minimizing your child’s fears, try to notice and name them. This helps them feel heard and safe. For example, you might say, “That was a loud sound. Are you feeling scared? It was just a car horn honking. We’re safe.”

Practice coregulation. Your toddler has limited experience with recovering from a scary event, so they need your help. If something scares them, calmly pick them up and hold them close until they calm down ❤️

Model how to stay calm. Your toddler learns a lot by watching how you react. If you remain calm when they’re afraid of the sound of the blender, your toddler may be less fearful the next time they hear it.

Related: 5 tips to help your toddler cope with loud noises

Fear of taking a bath

Babies and toddlers sometimes go through a phase when they’re afraid of taking a bath. This fear can be particularly tricky to help your child through since baths can’t be avoided altogether. As difficult as it can be, keep in mind that fears like this don’t last forever—and try these tips:

Offer reassurance. If your child is reluctant to get in the tub, for example, you could say, “You’re letting me know that you do not want to be in the bath. Let’s go quickly. I am going to pour water on your back now. It’s nice and warm!”

Start small. If your child is afraid to take a full bath, you can fill a small tub with water and let them just stand in it or put their hands in. Tell your child that it’s the same water they see in the bathtub, that they can play in it, and that it feels good.

Keep it short. If bathtime becomes very distressing for your child, try to make baths as efficient as possible. You can even substitute with a sponge bath sometimes. If your child seems interested, give them a role in cleaning, allowing them to wash or rinse parts of their body that they can reach.

Bring in toys. If your child can tolerate a little more time in the bath, add some playthings to make the time more enjoyable. The Transparent Tube Tower and the Nesting Stacking Drip Drop Cups can all be fun additions to bathtime and allow your child to explore the properties of water.

Fear of being in the dark

Darkness is one of the most common childhood fears. Young children often have vivid imaginations, so they may envision scary creatures or objects in the shadows of their room. If your child struggles with fear of the dark, here are a few ways you can support them:

Test out a night-light. If your child likes the idea, try using a night-light for a few nights. It may help, especially if your child’s room is very dark—but it could cast shadows that worsen the situation. Experts recommend night-lights that cast an amber color, which doesn’t interfere with the production of the sleep hormone melatonin.

Discuss this fear in the daytime. When your child wakes at night afraid of the dark, their fear can be overwhelming. So, try bringing it into the light by talking through their experience the next day. Sometimes simply discussing their fear with an adult can make a child feel safe. Some experts suggest encouraging older children to draw pictures of their dark closet or the scary monster they thought they saw.

Stick to an age-appropriate bedtime. If your child is overtired, they may tend to wake up more at night, sleep more restlessly, and awaken early in the morning. This could potentially give them more time to think about being in the dark and hear normal house sounds in the middle of the night that can be scary.

Shifts in fear and anxiety

Separation anxiety tends to lessen by the time children are about age 3 or 4, although this may vary depending on your child’s temperament. Fear and anxieties can emerge throughout your child’s life, especially if they experience an event that significantly disrupts their daily routine—such as the death of a loved one, an injury, or a natural disaster.

Your child will likely continue to experience fears and anxieties into adolescence, but the causes may differ from when they were younger. Research suggests that young children tend to fear animals, while older children’s fears are often related to school or illness.

If your child’s fears and anxieties start to interfere with everyday activities like school or play, reach out to your family pediatrician. The doctor can help determine if your child needs further assessment or support.

Learn more about this topic

How to ease your separation anxiety

How to help your 2-year-old overcome new feelings of fear

What’s behind your toddler’s separation anxiety?

Podcast: Coping with separation anxiety

Podcast: Normal fears vs. anxiety with Dr. Lockhart

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