Helping your child process death

It’s important to be honest when talking to children about death. To process the experience both cognitively and emotionally, your child may need to ask the same questions and hear the same answers many times in simple and direct language.

Your child’s understanding 

Death is a cognitively complex topic, and your child’s understanding of it will vary depending on their age. Children younger than 4 may struggle with the idea that death is permanent. For example, it may take repeated instances of a pet being absent from routines before your child starts missing them.

Even at age 4, children are only beginning to understand what death is. Many still believe that it’s reversible, or that it can be “fixed” by going to a doctor. Children between the ages of 6 and 8 may grasp the finality of death, but they’re still learning what causes it and that it happens to every living thing.

How to navigate this topic

Take your child’s grief seriously. Distracting your child back into a state of happiness can be tempting, but it’s important to let them know that all emotions are okay–even sadness or anger. Books like Something’s Wrong with George can help your child see how other children respond to the death of a loved one. As you read, invite your child to notice how Kaira is feeling. How do her emotions show up in her facial expressions and actions?

Help them process their emotions. There is no one right way to process death. In conversation with your child, keep your language clear and honest: “George’s body stopped working so he died. I’m so sorry. He can’t get better.” Even if they don’t want to discuss the loss with you, they may act it out through their play with stuffed animals or dolls. 

A ritual like a memorial service or funeral can help your child understand that they won’t be able to see their pet or loved one again. It can be brief and simple—even looking at pictures or sharing memories can be meaningful.

More expert advice

The Lovevery Podcast
In this episode of The Lovevery Podcast, CEO Jesssica Rolph and Michele Benyo, founder of Good Grief Parenting, discuss how parents can support their children through the death of a pet or loved one.

Talking about death – My New Life

Birthing is a topic we all want to weigh in on, but death? Not so much. We tend to avoid the subject, and when it comes to talking to our child about death, choosing the right words is hard. Of course, there's no "right" way to talk about death except to lead with honesty and love.   Jessica Rolph, your host, welcomes Michele Benyo to the show. She is the founder of Good Grief Parenting. Michele came to this work in the wake of losing her child 20 years ago and helping his sibling through the grief. Today, Jessica and Michele discuss how parents can support their children through the death of a pet or loved one.   Highlights: [1:26] What do parents need to know about how children grieve? [3:13] How can parents help a grieving child? [4:30] Michele gives examples of some mistakes parents make when discussing death with children. [6:53] How can parents begin to use direct language to talk about death with their children? [9:19] How does grief manifest through play? [11:41] A question from the Lovevery community: "How do you answer: Are Grandma and Grandpa going to die? Followed by, Are you and Daddy going to die?" [13:52] When do children start to understand death? [15:27] How can we prepare our children for the death of someone who is close to death? [17:10] Another question from a listener: "How do I incorporate family members who died into my son's life at 7 months old? How do I explain to him that they're no longer here, but they love him very much?" [20:11] Ways to approach the death of a pet. [22:47] How should we prepare children for a funeral? [25:08] Jessica shares her takeaways from the conversation with Michele Benyo.   Mentioned in this episode: Brought to you by Lovevery.com Good Grief Parenting Receive weekly emails about your child's development, and stay in the know about new play essentials, promos, and more by signing up at Lovevery.com Follow Lovevery and Jessica Rolph on Instagram.  

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