What to do when your 2-year-old hits (or kicks or bites)

You’re on a playdate and another child takes the toy your 2-year-old wants to play with. Before you can intervene, your toddler reaches out their hand and hits the other child. 

It’s a really hard moment, but acting out emotions is what 2-year-olds do. According to a Lovevery poll, 83 percent of parents say their child has hit, kicked, or bit them and about 60 percent said their toddler had hit, kicked, or bit someone else. 

At this stage, your child doesn’t yet have the language to express big feelings like anger, frustration, and disappointment. The emotion center of their brain, the amygdala, is fully formed. But the prefrontal cortex—the “braking system” that helps slow down their emotional reactions—will need many more years to develop. 

4 steps to follow when your child hits, kicks, or bites

It can be tempting to come in with a strong voice or language—”We don’t hit!” or “That’s NOT okay!” But your child isn’t yet capable of controlling their emotions or their body. Here’s what you can do: 

1. Gently stop the behavior

Try wrapping your child in a bear hug or gently hold their hands as you say something like, “Ouch! Hitting hurts. I’m going to help you stop your body.” 

2. Validate their feelings

Your child may not always be able to identify what caused their emotional reaction. Narrating their experience helps them understand and learn from their feelings: “You’re mad that Nora took your truck” or “You’re frustrated that Sam didn’t give you a turn with the ball.”

3. Tell them what they can do next time

Offer simple phrases that your 2-year-old can easily remember when they’re overwhelmed: “Next time, you can say, ‘My turn,’ ‘Mine,’ or ‘Stop!’” In addition to these words, you can teach your child simple hand gestures that communicate the same message. For example, model how to hold up their open hand in a “Stop” gesture.

4. Help your child move on

You don’t have to force an apology. Gently redirect your child by giving them a choice of what to do next: “Nora is playing with the truck now. We can wait for your turn or we can get another truck.” 

One final tip: Use pretend play to practice at home

You may need to repeat these strategies with your child many times before they’ll start to repeat them. They may continue to kick, hit or bite—just be consistent. Try acting out pretend play scenarios with a doll: You pretend to take a toy from the doll and your child practices by voicing the doll’s response, “My turn.” This may help your child remember the words to use in a real situation instead of hitting.

Learn more about the research

Calkins, S. D., Smith, C. L., Gill, K. L., & Johnson, M. C. (1998). Maternal interactive style across contexts: Relations to emotional, behavioral and physiological regulation during toddlerhood. Social Development, 7(3), 350-369.

Salzwedel, A. P., Stephens, R. L., Goldman, B. D., Lin, W., Gilmore, J. H., & Gao, W. (2019). Development of amygdala functional connectivity during infancy and its relationship with 4-year behavioral outcomes. Biological Psychiatry: Cognitive Neuroscience and Neuroimaging, 4(1), 62-71.

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