Why—and how—to apologize to your child after tough moments
Your child launches a ball at the window after you already told them to stop—twice. You snatch the ball away and yell, “I SAID, NO!” They get startled and begin to cry. Now everyone is upset 🙃
Challenging moments happen in parenting—and you may not always handle them how you want. Instead of beating yourself up for a reaction you’re less than proud of, you can use it as an opportunity to reconnect and learn with your child.
How to repair after losing your cool with your 3-year-old
It’s important to acknowledge and repair the “rupture”—or temporary break in emotional connection—in any relationship. The tips below can help:
Take a moment to calm down. Your child learns how to manage their own emotions by watching you manage yours. Show them what to do when they feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Say: “I’m feeling really upset. I need a moment to calm my body.” Sit down, place your hands on your forehead or over your eyes, and breathe for a few moments.
Acknowledge everyone’s feelings. Big feelings like anger and frustration can feel disorienting to your 3-year-old, especially when directed at them. “I was frustrated and I yelled. That was scary and made you feel sad.” Reassure them that your feelings don’t change how much you care about them: “I always love you, even when I’m upset.”
Apologize when appropriate. Apologizing models care for others and responsibility for choices that are less than ideal. Use phrases like, “I made a mistake” or “I’m sorry I used such a loud voice.”
Hold the limit. This might not seem like a tip to help you reconnect with your child, but remember that repairing your relationship doesn’t look like giving in. If a limit was being pushed—like “no throwing a ball in the house”—validate your child’s anger at being told “no,” calmly and quickly restate the limit, then move on.
Connect physically, emotionally, or over an activity. Your child may need to be comforted with a hug—or they may need a little space. Follow their lead while finding an activity you can enjoy together: read a story, make silly faces, take a walk, or break out some blocks to build with.
Learn more about the research
Tronick, E. Z. (1989). Emotions and emotional communication in infants. American Psychologist, 44(2), 112–119. doi:10.1037/0003-066X.44.2.112.
Feldman, R. (2012). Oxytocin and social affiliation in humans. Hormones and Behavior, 61(3), 380-391.
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