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Article: Tricky toddler behavior: why it happens and how to handle it
Article: It’s hard—and exciting—to be 2: advice for navigating this underrated stage
Ask & Learn: What can we do to get our 2-year-old to follow the rules?

Tricky toddler behavior: why it happens and how to handle it

Have you ever wondered if your 2-year-old is acting out on purpose? You aren’t alone. A large survey showed that parents often overestimate their toddler’s ability to control their emotions and impulses. This can lead to overly high expectations and more frustration when children don’t follow the rules. It can help to have a plan in place for meltdowns and playdates gone awry. Here’s how to handle three tricky moments:

Your toddler melts down because their graham crackers breaks in half

What’s happening?
Sometimes there’s not much your toddler—or you—can do to stop a tantrum once it happens. They just have more feelings than they can handle at that moment.

What to do:
It’s hard to see your child upset, but it’s better to accept their challenging feelings than try to make them go away. Your 2-year-old’s biggest need is to know that you’re there for them: “You are having such a hard time right now. It’s okay to be frustrated and cry. I’m right here.” When they start to calm down, help them move on by doing something you enjoy together, like reading a book or taking a walk.

Your 2-year-old continues to throw their blocks after you ask them to stop

What’s happening?
Your toddler may hold up a block and say, “No throwing,” then immediately throw it. Two-year-olds don’t always have the self-control to follow a rule—even if they can verbalize it. And if they go to Grandma’s house where the blocks look different? They might not even remember the rule. It takes a lot of practice for your toddler to generalize a rule across different settings and situations.

What to do:
When your toddler doesn’t follow a rule, calmly remind them: “These blocks are for stacking, not throwing.” If they continue to throw the blocks, put the toys out of reach and offer them something they can throw instead: “You really want to throw these hard blocks, but someone might get hurt. I’m going to put them away. Here’s a soft ball you can throw.”

If your toddler starts pushing the limit in new ways—like immediately picking up and throwing a toy car—they may need your sustained attention. Stay firm on the limit and try to connect with them through play: “That car is too hard to throw, too. Do you want to play together instead? We could roll the car back and forth!”

When your 2-year-old snatches a toy from another child during a playdate

What’s happening:
Two-year-olds will occasionally share voluntarily—like offering you a bite of their sandwich—but that doesn’t mean they can share all the time. It will be a few more years before they have the executive function skills to share consistently—and even then they may struggle.

What to do:
It’s okay for your toddler to keep a special toy to themselves: “That’s Charlie’s favorite stuffy. She wants to keep it close.” If your child doesn’t want to share anything, introduce the idea of turn-taking: “Your friend wants to use that shovel next. When you’re done filling your bucket, it will be their turn.” It can also help to provide more shovels ❤️

It’s hard—and exciting—to be 2: advice for navigating this underrated stage

One moment, your toddler is happily climbing into their car seat, and the next, they’re crying and pushing your hands away because they want to buckle the straps all on their own 🙃 Your 2-year-old is caught in the push-pull between striving for independence and needing your support, sometimes at exactly the same time.

The behavioral changes and challenges that come with this age reflect the whirlwind of new thoughts and feelings they’re experiencing. Your toddler is learning new words and ideas every day, but their emotional development and executive function skills aren’t developing at the same pace. At the same time, 2-year-olds can be more capable than we give them credit for, and they crave the chance to be independent and try new things.

What’s behind your 2-year-old’s challenging behavior?

They’re trying to figure out how to communicate. Your 2-year-old’s vocabulary may be growing rapidly, but they still have many thoughts and feelings that they can’t put into words. Sometimes it’s because they’re emotionally overwhelmed; at others, they just don’t have the language yet. Their inability to tell you how they feel in these moments can be very frustrating for your child—and for you.

They have trouble regulating their emotions. Things that may feel minor to you can feel monumental to your toddler. Their prefrontal cortex—the part of their brain that helps put life’s challenges into perspective—needs many more years to develop.

They aren’t ready for logic. At this stage, your child is unable to see another person’s point of view or how their actions affect others, even if you try to explain. Being late to Grandma’s party means nothing to a 2-year-old when they’re focused on play, extra tired, or just plain overwhelmed.

How to help your 2-year-old thrive during this exciting yet tricky time

Let them help

Your toddler wants to be involved. They learn from watching and imitating you and from trying out new skills themselves. When you prepare food or fold laundry, consider inviting your 2-year-old to participate with a task of their own, like putting fruit in a bowl or matching socks. These experiences can make the difference between a meltdown and a moment of pride and connection.

Make time and space for them to explore

Your toddler quickly absorbs new information and ideas through everyday experiences and play. When you can, try to slow down and minimize expectations. Some free, unstructured time can encourage your child to try new skills or dive deeper into exploration.

Give them a chance to try

It can be tempting to say, “Be careful!” and swoop in when your child wants to climb a new playground structure. Many 2-year-olds are surprisingly capable. Stay close for safety, but let your 2-year-old see what they can do. They’ll get more agile and confident with practice.

Just be there

So much of your toddler’s challenging behavior is out of their control, and may even be scary and overwhelming to them. They need your love and comfort more than ever as they explore new emotions and take small steps toward independence ❤️

What parents are asking our experts…

“Sometimes when my son is about to break a rule, he shakes his head ‘no, no’ and then does it anyway. What can we do to get him to follow the rules?”

Answer:

It can be confusing when toddlers seem to know what to do and then don’t do it. When your son shakes his head and says “no, no” to himself, he’s working on basic self-control skills. He remembers that someone told him “no” but can’t yet understand why, so he tests the boundary. Self-control skills tend to get a boost around age 3 and continue to strengthen throughout childhood. Here’s what you can do to help:

Keep repeating the rule 😉 As frustrating as it can be, pushing boundaries teaches children what rules mean, how the rules affect them, what will happen if a rule is broken, and whether the consequences will be the same each time. When your child tests a boundary, be consistent and repeat the rule. It can also help to make sure all caregivers are reinforcing the same limits, the same way.
Give a simple explanation. You can help your child begin to understand the “why” behind rules with simple, straightforward explanations. For example: “I can’t let you climb on the table. You might slip and get hurt.”
Offer an alternative. It often helps to tell 2-year-olds what they can do, rather than what they can’t For example: “You can climb over these pillows on the floor. I’ll do it with you!”

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