When your toddler bites, hits, or kicks

A large majority—83%—of parents say their toddler has hit, bit, or kicked them, according to a large poll of Lovevery families. Get tips to help you and your toddler through these challenging moments.

In this post:

• Article: Kicking, biting, and hitting: understanding and responding to your toddler’s tantrums
• Article: Why timeouts don’t work—and what to do instead 
• Ask & Learn: How can I help my toddler understand that hitting isn’t okay?

Kicking, biting, and hitting: understanding and responding to your toddler’s tantrums

Kicking, biting, and hitting are all common at this age, and knowing what to do can be really hard, especially when you’re in public or at someone else’s home.

This kind of aggressive behavior can be alarming and sometimes bring out a reaction in us that we’re not expecting or proud of, like a flash of anger or speaking harshly. 

Here’s what’s important to remember: Kicking, biting, or hitting doesn’t mean your child is “bad.” Nor, for that matter, is it a reflection of your parenting. When your toddler hits, they’re seeking a response, which is why your reaction matters. 

Why do toddlers kick, bite and hit?

Your toddler doesn’t want to hurt you. At this age, their motor skills are outpacing their social-emotional skills. If a friend grabs their toy, they can’t talk through it and problem-solve. Instead, your toddler uses what they can—their body—to express their anger and frustration. Sometimes when they kick, bite, or hit, they’re just experimenting to see what will happen—almost every toddler does this at some point. 

3 reasons why your child may act aggressively

1. They don’t understand how their actions affect others. Your toddler is just beginning to realize that they are their own person. This is the precursor to empathy, which takes years to develop.

2. They lack self-control. Your toddler’s prefrontal cortex, which is the area of the brain that helps them make decisions and manage strong emotions, isn’t fully developed.

3. They can’t express all of their emotions In the heat of the moment, their strong feelings can come out in the form of a kick or a bite.

What can you do about toddler kicking, biting, and hitting?

Remain calm

As much as you may feel compelled to grab your child’s hand and act on your own embarrassment or anger, this can backfire. If you respond with a loud, sharp voice, you model precisely what you’re trying to teach your child not to do. 

An overly strong reaction may also compel your toddler to recreate the scene so they can make sense of it. If they experience a moment of fear and surprise at your strong reaction, they may want to test out this new feeling. 

Be loving, firm, and clear in your response

As gently and calmly as you can, move their hand away with a quick explanation: “Don’t hit” or “I can’t let you hit.” 

Move them away

You may have to calmly pick up your child and remove them from the scene. If you’re the one being hit, you can try putting them down, then sit on the floor behind them as you give them a firm but loving hug. The boundary this creates can be calming, and your presence reassures them that you’re there for them no matter what. You can repeat something soothing, like “Hitting is not okay, and I am here and I love you.” 

Validate what they’re feeling

Even if you don’t accept a certain behavior, you can validate the feelings that caused it. In a calm voice, say, “I can see that you’re really mad. Taking turns is hard, but hitting hurts and it’s not okay.”

If they hit or bit another person, check in with them together

“Look, hitting made your friend feel sad. They’re crying now. Let’s see if we can make it better.” Instead of forcing your child to apologize, focus on modeling empathy by showing concern for someone else. 

Why timeouts don’t work—and what to do instead 

Timeouts are a controversial topic. They were first suggested as an alternative to spanking, but in the decades since, their effectiveness has come into question. In the meantime, the more modern, thoughtful “time-in” has gained traction: removing your child from a situation while staying with them to help them calm down. The goal is always to help your child regulate their feelings, and they can do that more effectively when you are close by. 

Are timeouts bad?

To be clear, the occasional timeout isn’t going to hurt your child, especially if it’s something you need for yourself during a tough moment. While there’s no empirical evidence to suggest that timeouts have a negative effect on a child’s development, a lot is known about why they don’t work at this age. When toddlers are separated from the adults who love them as a form of punishment, the following tends to happen:

• They won’t have any idea why they’ve been isolated
• The strong feelings they are already having are magnified, not soothed
• They don’t learn how to understand their emotions or what to do with them
• They aren’t able to change their behavior the next time

How to help your toddler reset

Whether they’re pulling someone’s hair, throwing blocks, or being a little too wild, what your child really needs in this moment is your help to get through their big feelings. Think of this as a “reset” or a “restart” rather than a timeout. Here’s how:

Move them away calmly

If your toddler needs space away from a situation, move them to a different spot (a room, or some other quiet place) as calmly as you can. You can hold their hand and walk with them, or pick them up and carry them. It can be so hard to stay calm yourself during these moments, but remember: your toddler isn’t giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time—and they need your steady guidance to reset.

Put words to what’s happening

In brief terms, explain what’s going on. If your toddler is being unsafe with their body, they aren’t trying to misbehave; they aren’t old enough to break rules on purpose. What they need is a reset. Try telling them, “Your body is not being safe, so I’m moving you so no one gets hurt. We’re going to spend some time together calming down.” 

Offer a safe alternative

At this age, redirection is your friend. Try offering them an acceptable alternative that’s related to what they’re upset about; if they were throwing blocks, for example, give them something soft, like a scarf, to throw instead. You can say, “Throwing blocks can hurt someone or break something. This is safe for you to throw.”

Help them move on

Resets don’t need to be long. Your job is to stay with them until they calm down enough to move on. Once they have, the reset can be over. 

Play the long game

When you frame these moments as resets rather than timeouts, you not only help your toddler now, you also lay the groundwork for the future. As they get older, they may well want some time alone, away from you. Now, though, what they need most during a moment of big feelings is a loving, caring adult to help them through it ❤️

What parents are asking our experts…

Answer:

At this stage, your daughter’s hitting is a developmentally appropriate response to her overwhelming emotion.
During a tantrum, your toddler likely won’t be able to process much language, so attempts to reason with her or tell her that hitting isn’t okay won’t work. Instead, try some of these strategies: 

• When she hits, calmly turn her away from your body. Use a neutral tone and consistent language to say something like, “Ouch! Hitting hurts. I’m going to help your body be safe.”  
• Acknowledge her feelings and hypothesize what she’s trying to communicate. If you think she’s calm enough to hear you, you might say, “You’re so tired and frustrated. You’re letting me know that you’re all done.”  
• Let her know what she CAN do. Suggest, for instance: “You can hit this drum. Look! Bam, bam, bam!” 
• Engage in another activity with her. Ask her something like, “Which color car should we put down the Race & Chase Ramp—the red one or the blue one? 

Over time, your daughter will be better able to process her feelings, separate her emotional and physical responses to some extent, and understand that hitting hurts.

Answered By:

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• Doctor visits, loud noises, and goodbyes: how to handle common fears

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Learn more about the research:

Dadds, M. R., & Tully, L. A. (2019). What is it to discipline a child: What should it be? A reanalysis of time-out from the perspective of child mental health, attachment, and trauma. American Psychologist, 74(7), 794.

Deichmann, F., & Ahnert, L. (2021). The terrible twos: How children cope with frustration and tantrums and the effect of maternal and paternal behaviors. Infancy, 26(3), 469-493.

Mandal, R. L., Olmi, D. J., Edwards, R. P., Tingstrom, D. H., & Benoit, D. A. (2000). Effective instruction delivery and time-in: Positive procedures for achieving child compliance. Child & Family Behavior Therapy, 22(4), 1-12.

Quetsch, L. B., Wallace, N. M., Herschell, A. D., & McNeil, C. B. (2015). Weighing in on the time-out controversy: An empirical perspective. The Clinical Psychologist, 68(2), 4-19.