Tantrums
Toddler tantrums, while exhausting, are a normal part of your child’s development—and not a sign that you’re doing anything “wrong” ❤️ Tantrums are part of the process of learning to manage the overwhelming feelings that come with early childhood. Reliable responses, consistent language, and coregulation from you will help your toddler gradually have fewer tantrums. Keep reading to learn how to handle this bumpy part of your child’s emotional growth with a bit more calm.
In this article:
- What is a tantrum?
- When do tantrums start?
- What causes tantrums?
- How to respond to tantrums
- How to stay calm during a tantrum
- How to handle hitting, biting, scratching, or throwing during a tantrum
- How to deal with a tantrum in public
- How to prevent tantrums
- When do children stop having tantrums?
- When should you worry about tantrums?
What is a tantrum?
While you may be surprised at times how intense your child’s emotional reactions can be, tantrums are just your child’s way of expressing their anger, frustration, and other feelings. During a tantrum, your toddler may cry, scream, flail, stomp their feet, or lie on the floor—they’re out of control, emotionally and physically. According to parent reports, most tantrums tend to last from 1.5 to 5 minutes, although they can continue for longer.
When do tantrums start?
Tantrums generally occur from about 18 months to 4 years of age. Each child is unique and develops at a different pace, so you may see tantrums develop earlier or later.
If your child has tantrums, know that you aren’t alone. Some research estimates that 87% of 18- to 24-month-olds and 91% of 30- to 36-month-olds have tantrums. By 42 to 48 months of age, tantrums have decreased substantially—approximately 59% of children this age still experience them.
What causes tantrums?
Your growing toddler is in a unique and exciting stage of development: They’re working hard for more independence and control, but their expressive language and emotional-regulation skills are still quite limited. This push-pull comes with the territory of toddlerhood—and it’s what sets the stage for tantrums.
Your toddler has learned to do many things since they were a baby. They are probably walking, running, and learning words and may have strong preferences about everything from toys to food and clothing. But, your child likely doesn’t have the skills or control they need to do or say everything they want to yet—and they may feel extremely frustrated by those limitations.
At this age, children don’t have the ability to recognize, assess, or manage their emotions. This is why disappointment or frustration about things that seem like no big deal to you can feel like a very big deal to them. It’s common for a toddler to have a tantrum about something that seems irrational to a parent—like wanting to eat toast but not wanting the bread to be cooked 🙃 Other times, tantrums come from frustration with a boundary. For example, your toddler may have a tantrum about being strapped into a car seat.
Being unable to control their impulses and reliably communicate their wants means that your toddler lives on an emotional roller coaster. No wonder their emotions sometimes overwhelm them ❤️ If they’re tired, hungry, or sick or their normal routine has been disrupted, they may be more prone to tantrums than usual.
Some common causes of tantrums include:
- Intense feelings like anxiety, frustration, anger, sadness, or fear
- Wanting to do things they’re not yet capable of
- Needing more adult assistance
- Desire for control
- Frustration or disappointment
- Overstimulation while they’re tired (like when you’re out doing errands just before naptime)
- Big life changes, like welcoming a new sibling, moving, starting school or day care, or getting a new caregiver
- Recent or current illness
How to respond to tantrums
There’s no one “right” way to handle a tantrum that works every time. The trickiest part of managing tantrums is understanding what will work for your unique child in that specific moment. Some children may need physical closeness with you during a tantrum, while others may want a little more space when they’re upset.
During a tantrum, the goal is primarily to keep your child safe while coregulating with them to help them calm down. Through this process of helping your child tolerate their strong emotions and regain their equilibrium, you’re helping them develop the foundations of resilience, self-regulation, and a sense of safety.
Here are some tantrum response techniques you can try:
Physically coregulate
Coregulation simply means being physically and emotionally present to help your child through a tough moment. Offer them a hug or snuggle—if they push away and want more space, stay close by. With you near them, your toddler knows they’re not alone with their overwhelming emotions. You can also try: inviting your toddler to take some slow, deep breaths with you; singing a soft song; or repeating a soothing rhythm, like “shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh.” A coregulating tool such as a pacifier, blanket, or other lovey may also help. It could take some trial and error to learn what works best for your child.
Be a calming presence
One of the best ways to teach your toddler emotional regulation is by example. If you remain calm during tantrums, over time, your toddler will learn to manage their feelings more quickly. Children aren’t capable of reasoning through their difficult emotions until around age 3. Until then, they rely on basic soothing strategies. Keeping your voice calm and low, staying close by, and managing your emotions are all ways you can help your toddler through a tantrum.
Validate their feelings
It can be hard in the moment, but validating your toddler’s feelings helps calm them. In an empathetic but matter-of-fact tone, give them the words to describe what they’re feeling: “You are really sad that we have to leave the park.” Take care not to dramatize your child’s emotion, which could trigger a more intense response.Demonstrating that you understand what they’re feeling and giving them words for their emotions helps them process and move through frustration, anger, and disappointment: “I can see that you really want that toy—it looks like it would be so fun to play with, doesn’t it? We’re not going to buy it today, and I can tell that upsets you.”
Understand when they’re not ready to hear you
If your child is very upset, they may be unable to hear much of what you’re saying. In this case, consider saying very little (“I know you’re upset”) while offering a hug if they want one. Take some deep, intentional breaths. Eventually, your toddler may join in and calm down. These deep breaths will likely help you stay calm as well ❤️
Offer an option or distraction
When your child is starting to get upset but isn’t in a full-blown tantrum yet—a simple change of topic, choice, or small distraction may help them move on. Try encouraging them to switch gears: “Should we walk or skip to the car?” or “Would you like to hold my hand or my elbow?”
Move forward together
Adults tend to hang on to hard moments longer than toddlers do. You may feel the need to talk about the tantrum with your child right after it happens. But once your toddler has calmed down and starts to move on, move on with them. Reconnect by holding hands, singing a song, or just sharing a big hug.
Remember, your child doesn’t have tantrums intentionally. They sometimes get overwhelmed by strong emotions and haven’t yet developed the skills needed to manage them. Moving forward together helps your toddler learn that they’re going to have big, overwhelming emotions and those feelings will come and go.
At around age 2, your child may begin to understand the concept of emotion and be able to connect it to an experience. At that point, they may benefit from the two of you revisiting what happened—as long as you allow some time to pass first and review the events without judgment. You could reenact the scenario through pretend play or simply make a statement about what your child felt. “Wow, it was so hard for you to say goodbye to Daddy this morning. You really wanted him to stay.” If this inspires your child to comment on the experience, then you can continue the discussion. If not, your statement can simply be a validation of your child’s emotion.
READ NOW: 8 strategies to help your toddler (and yourself) move on from a tantrum
How to stay calm during a tantrum
When your toddler has a tantrum, it can be a challenging time for you, too. Seeing your toddler upset probably provokes an emotional reaction in you—and that’s okay!
While it can be difficult, your toddler needs you to model emotional regulation during a tantrum. Staying calm yourself is part of what eventually teaches them how to calm down. You’re not going to get it right 100% of the time, so just do your best—and keep these three tips in mind:
Take some deep breaths. We hear it all the time, but that’s because research shows that it works. Breathe in through your nose for a count of five, hold it for five counts, then exhale for a count of five.
Sit or lie down near your toddler. Tell them, “I need to sit down, but I’m right here next to you.”
Keep your use of language to a minimum. Talking less may help you stay grounded and present. A lot of words can overwhelm your toddler during a tantrum—and it can be difficult to keep your voice low when they’re crying or screaming.
Research suggests that staying calm and modeling how to manage strong emotions may help prevent tantrums from becoming a negative cycle—where emotional outbursts are met by yelling or harshness, which in turn reinforces more tantrums and outbursts. Being a calm, steady, soothing presence for your child is how you can help your family break the tantrum loop.
How to handle hitting, biting, scratching, or throwing during a tantrum
In the heat of a tantrum, overwhelmed by anger or frustration, your toddler may hit, bite, scratch, or throw objects. This type of behavior is common when young children have an emotional outburst, and at this age, it isn’t malicious. Because toddlers don’t have easy access yet to the words they need to express their feelings and they’re still developing emotional-regulation skills, they sometimes communicate with physical actions, like hitting, scratching, or biting.
If this happens, calmly turn your child to face away from your body so they can’t continue the behavior. Use a neutral tone of voice to say something like, “Ouch! Scratching hurts. I’m going to help your body be safe.” If your child seems open to it, gently hold, rub, kiss, or squeeze their hands to provide alternative sensory input. Let them know what they can do. You could say, “You can hit a drum, like this, bam, bam, bam!” or “Here is something you can bite!” as you offer them a cracker or a cold washcloth to chew on. Or, simply try to engage your toddler in another activity: “What are we going to put down the Slide & Seek Ball Run, rings or balls?”
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Acknowledge your child’s feelings and, if you think they’re calm enough to hear you, hypothesize what you think is happening. You could say, “You are so tired and frustrated. You are letting me know that you are all done.” Fatigue, overstimulation, and a desire to stop an activity can all prompt a toddler to use physical methods of expression.
As hard as it is, try to stay calm in these situations and model for your child more effective ways of dealing with strong emotions.
RELATED: Kicking, biting, and hitting: understanding and responding to your toddler’s tantrums
How to deal with a tantrum in public
Even the most experienced parent may struggle when their child has a tantrum in a public setting. You may feel like passersby are staring at you, or you may really need to finish the errand that brought you out in the first place.
Try to use the strategies that help your child when they have a tantrum at home. Your calm, steady presence can help both of you through this difficult experience.
If you can, move your toddler to a different location. A change of scenery is often the best remedy for a toddler wrestling with their emotions. This could be as simple as stepping to a quiet corner, taking your toddler outside, or sitting in your car for a short time to reset. Picking up your toddler and moving them when they’re thrashing and writhing is really challenging, but do your best to stay calm and steady.
Consider leaving. If your toddler doesn’t calm down after a few minutes or their outburst is too disruptive, you may just have to leave. This can be really inconvenient and disappointing, but it’s part of parenting. Making the call to abandon a half-filled grocery cart, leave a playdate, or miss part of an important family event is never easy, but sometimes it’s your only option.
Be a calming presence. If you can’t move your toddler to a more private spot—say, you’re on a plane and the seatbelt sign is on—you’ll have to coregulate them through their tantrum as best you can. It’s so hard when you feel people watching you, but try to tune them out. Your toddler will recover more quickly if you remain a calm, stable, and loving presence. In the end, what matters most is your relationship with your child.
PODCAST: Positive Discipline: More On Toddler Tantrums & Power Struggles
How to prevent tantrums
As hard as you may try to be proactive, not all tantrums can be prevented. But you may be able to head off some by being aware of common tantrum triggers.
Physical needs: Your toddler is more likely to have a tantrum when they’re hungry, tired, or uncomfortable. They have a much lower threshold than adults do for handling discomfort. Each child is different when it comes to which needs prompt a strong emotional response. Some children, for example, may easily skip a snack but struggle more if they miss a nap. You know best how to prioritize your child’s needs.
While you can’t always plan your schedule around your toddler’s nap schedule or bedtime, try to accommodate their needs as much as possible. Try to avoid running errands or going to events close to naptime or bedtime. Bring plenty of extra snacks when going out with your toddler.
Overstimulation: Your toddler is curious about everything, so it’s easy to forget that they can easily become overstimulated by too much activity. Meeting unfamiliar people, going to different places, and engaging in new experiences—especially all at once—may overwhelm your child and trigger a tantrum. Each child’s stimulation tolerance is unique.
If you know your toddler is prone to overstimulation, be sure to give them some quiet moments to recharge when the two of you are in crowded situations and at noisy events. This could mean going for a walk or finding a calm place where you can read a book to your child. Consider finding a quiet corner where they can draws with the Anywhere Art Kit or play with The Buckle Barrel.
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Changes in routine: Your toddler’s routine helps them understand what’s coming next, which gives them a feeling of security. Even small disruptions in your child’s schedule can be upsetting to them. Family travel, a change of caregiver, and meeting a new sibling all present significant changes that may spark more tantrums in your toddler than usual.
Even though your child may not completely understand your words, talking to them about expected changes beforehand can help. If you’re planning a big life change, like a move to a new house or the arrival of a sibling, introducing your toddler to the idea months or weeks in advance may ease them into the transition. Explain how the change will affect them using simple terms. Reading books about big changes to your toddler can prepare them as well.
Transitions: Unlike adults who can plan ahead and organize their schedule, your toddler lives completely in the moment. Transitioning from one activity or place to another can be hard for them because they don’t yet have the executive function skills to easily switch gears.
If possible, try to prepare your toddler for transitions in advance. Although they probably don’t have a well-defined sense of time, offer a little notice of when one activity will end and another will begin. If you’re planning to leave the house to go to the store, for example, you could tell your toddler, “After you put a car on the Race and Chase Ramp two more times, we are going to get your shoes on to go to the store.”
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READ NOW: When it’s time to leave and your toddler won’t go
When do children stop having tantrums?
When your child is in the toddler stage and has tantrums often, it’s easy to feel like this phase will never end. But, as your child matures and begins to learn how to manage their strong emotions, their tantrums will start to decrease. Tantrums tend to peak before age 3 and decline noticeably by age 4.
When should you worry about tantrums?
Tantrums are a developmentally expected part of the toddler and preschool years. As children learn more language skills and practice managing strong emotions with a parent’s help, tantrums usually subside.
If many tantrums seem to result from your toddler struggling to express their feelings with language, bring this to the attention of their pediatrician. Depending on your child’s age and developmental stage, the doctor can help determine if any language delays are present. Some research suggests that children with delayed language development are more likely to have frequent and severe tantrums.
Meet the Experts
Learn more about the Lovevery child development experts who created this story.
Research & Resources
Gershoff, E. T., Grogan-Kaylor, A., Lansford, J. E., Chang, L., Zelli, A., Deater-Deckard, K., & Dodge, K. A. (2010). Parent discipline practices in an international sample: Associations with child behaviors and moderation by perceived normativeness. Child Development, 81(2), 487-502.
Lipscomb, S. T., Leve, L. D., Harold, G. T., Neiderhiser, J. M., Shaw, D. S., Ge, X., & Reiss, D. (2011). Trajectories of parenting and child negative emotionality during infancy and toddlerhood: A longitudinal analysis. Child Development, 82(5), 1661–1675.
Manning, B. L., Roberts, M. Y., Estabrook, R., Petitclerc, A., Burns, J. L., Briggs-Gowan, M., … & Norton, E. S. (2019). Relations between toddler expressive language and temper tantrums in a community sample. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 65, 101070.
Potegal, M., & Davidson, R. J. (2003). Temper tantrums in young children: 1. Behavioral composition. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 24(3), 140-147.
Potegal, M., Kosorok, M. R., & Davidson, R. J. (2003). Temper tantrums in young children: 2. Tantrum duration and temporal organization. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 24(3), 148-154.
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