Tips for taming your toddler’s tantrums

Your 18-month-old may be starting to experience more complex emotions but doesn’t yet have the skills to understand and manage them. Offering them comfort and connection is the best way to help them work through their big feelings ❤️

In this post:

• Article: Why toddler tantrums happen (hint: it isn’t about you)
• Activity: Read with exaggerated emotion to teach about feelings
• Ask & Learn: My 18-month-old son hasn’t had a tantrum yet. When do tantrums typically start? What’s the best way to address them?

Why toddler tantrums happen (hint: it isn’t about you)

Your toddler doesn’t yet have the skills to handle all of their big emotions. Sometimes they need to get those big feelings out in a big way. 

Temper tantrums can be frustrating and exhausting, but they’re a normal part of a development. During a tantrum, your toddler may cry, scream, flail, bang their head, stomp their feet, or lie on the floor—they’re out of control, emotionally and physically. They may lack the skills, language, or control to do or say what they want and feel. 

In many cases, their outbursts can feel like a dramatic reaction to something very minor, like giving them a blue cup instead of a green one. If your child is tired, hungry, sick, or off their normal routine, tantrums may be worse or happen more often. 

4 important things to know about toddler tantrums

Tantrums can’t be stopped in the moment

Once your toddler is overwhelmed by the emotion of a tantrum, most words won’t get through to them. The tantrum is a stress response, and the part of the brain called the amygdala is fully engaged, just as if your toddler were in real danger. Adults can sometimes use logic to reason themselves out of those feelings, but toddlers can’t. That’s why giving them explanations—“But the apple tastes just the same!”—won’t help in the moment. 

Instead, describe what you see, empathize, and be present: “You’re really angry about that. I understand why you’re angry, and I’m right here if you need a hug.” This may or may not feel like it’s doing much, but it lets them know you hear them and understand how they feel. 

Tantrums normally resolve themselves fairly quickly

Your toddler’s tantrums may feel like they last forever, but most end within 10 minutes. You may feel overwhelmed in the moment, but remembering that it will be over soon could help you keep your cool and wait it out.

Tantrums will ease up as your toddler develops more skills

Research shows that a toddler’s tantrums typically happen less often and are less intense as their vocabulary grows. Your toddler will also have fewer tantrums as their abilities to manage disappointment and distress grow. Both of these skills develop over time, through the maturation of the frontal lobe and through the experience of co-regulating with you. 

Tantrums vary from child to child

Your toddler’s temperament will affect how often they have tantrums and what they look like. Some toddlers have several tantrums a day and others have tantrums once in a while. Some tantrums may be triggered by a more understandable issue, like having to leave the park when they are having fun, while others are caused by something that feels insignificant or unrelatable, like their apple is sliced the wrong way today 🙃

Read with exaggerated emotion to teach about feelings

Bring the “Max and Nana Go to the Park” Board Book to life with exaggerated emotions, sound effects, and facial expressions. Imitate Max’s painful grimace after his fall, and then immediately revert to your smiling face. Seeing such contrasts of emotion draws your toddler’s interest and helps them develop social and emotional awareness.

What parents are asking our experts…

Answer:

Your son is right at the stage when tantrums begin to occur. Because toddlers don’t yet have the skills to manage their emotions, they can lose control when overwhelmed by strong feelings. Your child may cry, scream, flail, bang his head, stomp his feet, or lie on the floor. In moments like these, rational explanations won’t get through to him. Instead, calmly describe what you see, empathize, and be present. Use words like, “You’re really angry about that. I understand why you’re angry, and I’m right here if you need a hug.” This may or may not feel like it’s having an effect, but it lets your child know that you hear them and understand how they feel.  Depending on individual temperament, a toddler may experience tantrums multiple times a day or only occasionally. Triggers may include:

• An understandable event, like having to leave the park.
• An issue that seems insignificant, like the way an apple on their plate is sliced.
• A caregiver’s response.
• Frustration with language limitations when trying to express what they want and feel.

Research shows that tantrums typically occur less often and with less intensity as a toddler’s vocabulary grows. Gaining the ability to manage disappointment and distress also reduces the frequency of a child’s tantrums. Both of these skills will develop over time as your child’s brain matures and he learns to manage his emotions through co-regulation and practice with you.

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Keep Exploring:

• Helping your child develop good coping skills
• What you need to know about the ‘word burst’
• When your toddler bites, hits, or kicks

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Learn more about the research:

Calkins, S. D., & Johnson, M. C. (1998). Toddler regulation of distress to frustrating events: Temperamental and maternal correlates. Infant Behavior and Development, 21(3), 379-395.

Manning, B. L., Roberts, M. Y., Estabrook, R., Petitclerc, A., Burns, J. L., Briggs-Gowan, M., … & Norton, E. S. (2019). Relations between toddler expressive language and temper tantrums in a community sample. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 65, 101070.

Potegal, M., & Davidson, R. J. (2003). Temper tantrums in young children: 1. Behavioral composition. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 24(3), 140-147.