Helping your child develop good coping skills

Your toddler’s abilities may not match their desire to complete a task on their own. Allowing them to struggle and problem-solve a little can teach them how to manage their frustration.

In this post:

• Activity: A little frustration can go a long way toward learning
• Article: Why “you worked so hard” beats “you’re so smart”
• Ask & Learn: My toddler gets frustrated or gives up when he can’t do an activity, like threading the beads from the Threadable Bead Kit. What can I do to help?

A little frustration can go a long way toward learning

As your toddler plays with the Race & Chase Ramp, a car may get lodged inside and seem to disappear. Watching your child search the levels unsuccessfully or wobble the ramp hoping to dislodge it may be hard, but resist the urge to step in immediately. A little frustration is okay as your toddler works to find and remove the car. Allowing them time to try on their own supports their problem-solving skills and frustration tolerance—helping them feel capable and confident when faced with new challenges.

Why “you worked so hard” beats “you’re so smart”

“You’re so smart.” “You’re so good at that.” “You’re a natural.” Who doesn’t love hearing these words of praise? Giving your toddler positive encouragement means a lot to them and feels good to you, too. Also, when toddlers get attention in positive ways, they’re less likely to try to get it in negative ways.

Still, if you use certain types of encouraging language with your child over the long term, researchers have discovered that it may actually make them feel less motivated to persist, take risks, and try new things.

Here’s what we mean: When you say, “You’re so smart,” you’re praising them for something they may not think that they can control—they’re either smart or not. Believing that your success is the result of innate talent or smarts is what researcher Carol Dweck calls it a “fixed mindset.”

Instead, you can encourage your child to believe that their intelligence, capabilities, and talents can grow the more they learn. This is called a “growth mindset,” and children who have one tend to persevere through more difficult tasks.

You may be wondering if you really need to worry about this already, since your child is so young. ” In fact, research shows that adopting a growth mindset can make a difference starting now. Also, if you can get in the habit of praising your toddler’s efforts, it will be easier to continue doing so as they get older. Developing a habit is easier than changing one.

How to use a growth mindset to support your child:

Praise the process

Try to acknowledge their technique and effort: Instead of saying, “You’re a rockstar!” say, “I see that you’re working really hard on balancing.”

Describe aspects that your child has control over

Rather than compliment your toddler on their skill or the quality of the finished product in general, comment on the specific choices that went into it: For instance, rather than saying, “You’re so good at coloring!” say, “I love all the colors you used!”

When your toddler helps out, talk about how it makes you feel

Instead of saying “Good job!” when your toddler puts a piece of trash into the garbage can, you might try something like: “Thank you! It feels so good to have help cleaning up.”

Show excitement instead of giving accolades

Saying,“Wow!” “Look at that!” or “Fun!” is a way to encourage your toddler without overpraising. 

Read more on the subject

The book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is a great resource, especially as your child gets a little older.

What parents are asking our experts…

Answer:

Frustration is often part of the learning process. But if a toddler starts to feel overwhelmed, they may get upset or get discouraged from exploring. Here are some ways to support your child when they’re facing a challenge: 

• Sit back and observe. Sometimes your child needs space to concentrate and work on the problem. If they look at you, comment on what they are doing: “I see you are really moving that bead all around!”
• Use “I wonder” and “I notice” statements. “I wonder what would happen if Daddy held the thread and you put the bead on top?” 
• Model “frustration.” Try placing a bead on the thread, but “work” to get the alignment correct. Pause and huff, pause and take a deep breath, pause and say, “I wonder if I should try it a different way?” Say, “I am so frustrated! I am going to try again!” Smile at your toddler and draw them into your experience. 
• Offer help. You can ask your child if they would like help or model how to ask for help “You can say, ‘Dada, help!’”

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Keep Exploring:

• Starting to talk about the potty
• Helping your child develop good coping skills
• Tips for taming your toddler’s tantrums

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